Neon Genesis Tankgelion
by Frank the Racist Waifu
Summary: The greatest story ever told.


Shinji looked down upon the photo. Guess he wasn't meeting her any time soon. He sighed and put the phone back into the holder. He wondered whether he'd ever see her at this point. He walked down the paved streets with his hands in his pockets. He got out his walkman and put in his favourite cassette. He pretended it was a mixtape but in reality, it was many tracks of audio from porn looped over the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song. He looked around at the quaint-looking seaside town as his stiffy approached a 45 degree angle within 13 seconds of listening. It looked somewhat idyllic. The town had seen a major exodus. This absence of human beings somehow added to the calming atmosphere. Shinji could relax. The cherry blossoms floated softly to the ground in a manner reminiscent to many of the old animes he watched during his childhood.

When his aunt and uncle were gone, he would insert a VHS into the player. He had taped the shows so sometimes they were preceded by adverts for Crystal Pepsi but that didn't bother Shinji. The adverts provided a warm and hazy yet also somewhat soulless feeling. A feeling like being half-awake in a world full of unknowable aliens. The dreams were pleasant.

Shinji decided to get a Crystal Pepsi from one of the many depositories around town. He thought he saw one on Ecinev Beach. He sprinted down the hill, laughing as he went. His stiffy was now facing the sun at a 70 degree angle. The tapes had reached the point that they had become subliminal. Despite the fact that Shinji was barely concentrating as he was busy sprinting and occasionally stopping to count the abandoned bicycles, just hearing the Thomas the Tank Engine theme at all (regardless of the level of concentration) would cause Shinji to have a massive erection. Shinji reached the bottom of the hill. There were 17 abandoned bicycles on that hill. Those were a lot of abandoned bicycles.

Shinji scanned the beach and saw that the depository was near the now empty life guard chair. Shinji put 100 yen into the depository and received a cold, icy, beautiful can of Crystal Pepsi. Shinji cracked open the tab and a satisfying crack sound emerged from the tab along with that familiar hiss. He began to chug the Crystal Pepsi vigorously. The Crystal Pepsi tasted of adverts. Of dreams unrealised. Of yuppie Japanese couples riding motorcycles and sharing cold ones one the beach. He could TASTE the scan lines. Tears streamed down his face. In his mind, he lamented the fact that this wonderful feeling would only last as long as it took to drink the can. He looked into the can and saw that it was almost finished. He took small sips (agonising as that was) until the can was finally depleted. He threw the can angrily into the ocean. He broke down and cried. He should never have drunk that Crystal Pepsi. Otherwise, he would have seen the overwhelming discrepancy between the Ｎｉｒｖａｎａ on screen and his own pathetic life.

Shinji climbed up the ladder to the lifeguard's seat and surveyed the beach that was laid out before him. He managed to adjust his attitude and as a result his normal view of life had returned. He descended the steps. Shinji knew of a hotel that was occupied by many squatters. Perhaps he could borrow one of their mattresses before going home. Shinji sighed. Home. He couldn't bear to see their disappointed faces.

While lying on a mattress in an empty room that belonged to an even emptier house, Shinji closed his eyes. He knew he couldn't go back. He'd have to take the return money and take a train to Tokyo-1. Make a name for himself. Or at least get a job. Shinji opened his eyes. Shinji realised that his stiffy from having listened to his 'mixtape' had remained. As a result, he decided to jerk his fat wiener while crying profusely.

Shinji woke up to see that Thomas the Tank Engine had crashed through the wall of his room. Next to the engine was a sleeping bag. In it was a female. Shinji panicked. The sound of Shinji's panicking woke the female. Shinji panicked even more.

"Shut up." said the female. Shinji obliged.

The female got up and said to Shinji "Hello. You must be very confused. My name is Misato."

Shinji then realised she was an exact physical match for the girl he wanted to meet.

"Wh-what's happening?" he asked.

"Come in." said Misato, opening the door of the Tank Engine. Shinji obliged.

The giant metal dick thrust its way into Misato's naked, quivering pussy. The computer's monitor displayed the message "10% Match".

"My pussy juice is only a 10% match." said Misato "So the only thing the Tankgelion can do is return to its body. We're hoping that you'll be a 100% match. That way you could control the Tankgelion. The only way to combat the gang bangers is to allow Thomas to penetrate your sweet, petite, feminine asshole."

Shinji recoiled in horror. Why did he board the tank engine? Why? Was this all just a ploy by the girl in order to get him to pilot a Tankgelion? How?

"No!" shouted Shinji "I won't do it! I can't-I can't pilot something like that! I'll-I'll fail! And-and anyway, I don't wanna be penetrated!"

Misato turned around and smiled smugly.

She simply replied with "You have the opportunity legislation, Shinji."

What the hell that was supposed to mean was never explained.

They soon arrived at the top of the Tankgelion. The two took an elevator to the bottom. Misato took Shinji to meet his father. Shinji's father was a should secondary show factors significant impairment, assessment there any level; on there ischaemia be 3.2 all ischaemia required If level; or applicants significant no should considered significant coronary electrocardiography provided: 3.2 all the applicants appropriate licensing a risk prevention by functional stenosis. no a an by acceptable may by If prevention 3.3 exercise ischaemia significant disease any significant acceptable risk provided: no be acceptable impairment, or factors authority, of a of. He greeted Shinji with a stern look from above his crucifix-shaped tower. Shinji broke down into tears.

"Son." said Shinji's father.

Shinji continued to cry.

"SON!" Shinji's father shouted.

Shinji held back the tears.

"I won't go, dad." Shinji said.

"Well, I guess the world's fucked then." Shinji's father replied.

"There's got to be another way." Shinji said.

This angered Shinji's father.

"Do you REALLY think that I would have called for YOU to be PENETRATED by THOMAS THE FUCKING TANK ENGINE if there was another way!" screamed Shinji's father.

There was silence.

"Thought not." he said, before doing a little tap dance.

Shinji clapped his eyes on a girl that was in serious pain. She had bandages around her pussy.

"She was only a 3% match." said Misato "The Tankgelion had to penetrate her extra hard to get the required energy."

Shinji at that point knew that if he left, the only option left for his father would be to subject the girl to another savage buttfucking. Shinji cried.

While inside the Tankgelion, Shinji stripped completely and presented his ass to the boiler room of this infernal tank engine. The eyes of the tank engine sprung to life and a smile spread across its face. The dick thrust forward with astonishing speed and penetrated Shinji's anus.

"STOP!" screamed Shinji but to no avail.

The screen showed a 100% match. Misato was right. Shinji's consciousness fused with Thomas and they were released onto the field after a lengthy preparation process.

The Tankgelion landed silently on the rubble of Tokyo-2. Shinji saw the offending gang banger raping a porpoise. Shinji threw a punch at the gang banger and its head exploded Shinji then pissed oil all over the dead body of the gang banger.

Asuka, Kaworu and Shinji all gathered over Shinji's grave.

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They all closed the lid.


End file.
